Vladimir Palaniuk

"Best knows as a legendary tought guy actor, Jack Palance recorded this 1969 album for Warner Bros. that recalls the warped country-rock vibe of Lee Hazelwood's 60's solo LPs. Fans of Johnny Cash will dig Palance's deep growl, as well as the actor's self-penned classis "Meanest Guy That Ever Lived." First time on CD with new detailed liner notes!" - Promotional Sticker on the cover of this CD

I was disappointed by this album. The main disappointing feature, vis a vis this blog, is that it doesn't suck to a sufficient degree. However, the three songs that Palance actually wrote, DO suck, and suck hard. This is the kind of sucking that makes you have to wear a turtleneck the next day. The take-home message here is that, surprisingly, Jack Palance isn't so bad as a country singer, but he's not much of a songwriter. It does need to be said that, despite what the sticker on the package says, Jack Palance should never be compared to Johnny Cash. No one should ever be compared to Johnny Cash... ever.

In any case, this blog entry will focus mostly on the songs written by Palance, since the other songs are, for the most part, decent. Even where the other songs have their flaws, making fun of them would be to make fun of country music as a genre. While mocking country-western music is fun, that's not why we're here.

The first song written by Palance, The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived, is possibly the most cliched country song I've ever heard that wasn't intended as a parody. My first dispute is that the song does not, in fact, describe the meanest guy that ever lived. This is clear from the fact that the song isn't about Hitler, Stalin, or any of the other clearly-meaner-than-Jack-Palance people from human history. Further evidence that the subject of the song isn't that mean is that he refers to someone as a "son of a witch". How mean can a guy be if he can't even say "bitch"?

I take that back, now that I've heard the second song on the album that he wrote, I've decided that this song, Goodbye Lucy is, in fact, more cliche than The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived. In addition to the country, old west drivel found in Meanest, Goodbye Lucy includes the singer of the song losing the love of several beautiful women. All we need is a dead dog and a pickup truck. I'll skip commenting on the third and final Palance composition Love Can Only Mean You. I'm sure you can get the idea from the title.
A common theme among the three Palance-written songs was a theme we also found on the Shatner masterpiece, Transformed Man. That common theme is an emotional disparity between the lead vocals, Palance, and the background chorus. Let this be a lesson to all musicians. If the lead vocals are sad and depressed, the chorus shouldn't sound happy and chipper. It's just....weird.

Next week, we'll get back to music that is truly bad. Through and through, nothing good about it. You'll have to tune in next week to find out what it is. I will tell you now, that I got it on eBay for the bargain-basement price of $4.25.